19 Things I Learned After One Week On Bumble

31.10.17

I have never, ever, been on Tinder.

Which means I had literally nothing to compare Bumble to, other than what I had heard about it from my girlfriends.

And what I had heard about it was that one of my friends had met her divine, funny, handsome, probably-smells-like-an-ocean, boyfriend on Bumble. So I figured that was a good enough incentive to give it a whirl. If for no other reason than to connect with other boys who might also smell like an ocean (and not a river).

Bumble is described as the kinder version of Tinder. The softer version. When it launched in 2014, it revolutionised online dating by putting the women in control for the first time ever. Guys can’t make the first move on Bumble – they can’t send a wink face (at best) or a photo of their genitals (at worst), and in the two years since it launched, Bumble has challenged the way we define dating apps by also delving into friendship-making and career-networking.

Anyway, I tried it (the dating one) for a week and here’s what I learned.


1. Apparently all guys have tattoos now…

2. Matches expire after twenty four hours and it takes at least twenty six hours for a girl to figure out what to say.

3. When you do eventually figure out what to say it will be “Hi!”, at which point you will immediately regret the exclamation mark and want to die.

4. Once you’ve matched with a few guys, Bumble will start a “Match Queue” for you and you will have never felt more in-demand in your entire life.

 

5. Listing your occupation as “self-employed” makes it sound like you’re un-employed.

6. Nose rings are still alive and kicking!

7. Bumble’s rule that girls have to make the first move is both empowering and terrifying.

8. Just because your name is Harry does not give you the right to use a photo of Daniel Radcliffe as your display picture. Wand or no wand.

9. If you have a tattoo on your calf muscle you need to rethink your life choices.

10. Black and white photos speak volumes about a person.

11. If you’re 28 or older it should be illegal to use a photo from your high school ball. I don’t care if you peaked at 18, let it go.

12. When you match with a guy you’ll spend the first 15-20 seconds wondering if maybe they’re too good-looking for you.

13. Listing your occupation as simply “director” is far too ambiguous. Do you want us to star in your next play, or???

14. Bumble sends you cute, empowering notifications throughout the day reminding you that you’re a “Queen Bee” and that’s a world I want to live in.

15. There are A LOT more Kurt’s in the world than you might think!

16. Posting a selfie aboard a “vintage-looking” yacht implies that you are A) a pirate, or B) drunk on Sail Croatia. Be. More. Specific.

17. Putting a group-shot as your display picture generally doesn’t bode well for a person. At best, we think you’re the hottest guy in the photo. At worst, we think you’re none of the guys in the photo…

18. 9 times out of 10, having a dog in your display picture will make you more attractive.

19. Having a cat in your display picture does not have the same effect.