How Often Are Millennial Couples Having Sex? (Part Two)
How often are millennial couples having sex?
Well, if you were to base your answer solely on Part One of this investigation, you’d think um…not very often… But, in fact, amidst that data was a whole cohort of couples having sex at least twice a week and often once a day. Out of the readers I spoke with, 31.4% of married millennial couples are having sex more than twice a week and 32.9% of un-married, long-term couples are having sex more than twice a week, with 12.3% having sex more than four times a week.
Let’s pick their brains shall we?
One of the most common themes was how much these couples were turned on by their partners, even after being together for so long – like Harry and his wife who have been married for almost a decade, “We’re still incredibly attracted to each other which helps! On the occasions we don’t have penetrative sex, we still do something to satisfy each others needs most days.” Lily and her husband have been together for eleven years and married for five, “After two children, I feel the most comfortable with my body that I’ve ever felt and I love my husband more than ever. Having two children can be stressful and sex is a nice way for us to connect with each other. We also go to bed at the same time every night which I believe is key to a healthy sex life.” This advice about sharing a bed time was a common thread among a lot of the couples I heard from.
Another key finding was that they were all world-class communicators. Rachel (30) and her husband often discuss their sex life, “We’d like to be having more ‘weekday’ sex but usually we’re too exhausted, so we’ve fallen into the habit of having most of our sex on the weekends. The upside of being older and having been together for so long is what we’re comfortable communicating our fantasies with each other and being straight-up about our needs.” Hannah (24) and Mark (43) have sex two or three times a week and are adamant that it’s not about spontaneity – as the media would have you believe – but rather a conscious decision, “It’s not about feelings or lust. It’s about deciding you want to be with that person and being committed to connecting with them through the ups and downs of life.” Jess (29) and her boyfriend, who have sex most days, shared a similar sentiment, “There is truly no winning in sex if you stay silent. I’ve found it interesting to reflect on how I’ve gone through seasons of wanting to critique our sex life in order to make it better; sometimes my feedback hasn’t been well received, either due to the wrong timing or not communicating it in the best way, but it’s always important to speak up.”
Then there were the couples who had more unique explanations, like Bella and Dave who have a ten-year age gap, “We thought our age difference would impact our sex life negatively but actually the difference works in our favour because we feel like we’re at the same stage sexually. Oh and don’t forget – Double. Contraception. Always.” A (29) and R (31) have sex most days because they’re trying to conceive, “We’re having sex more than ever! Sometimes it takes a bit of work but I actually think our sex life has improved from forcing ourselves to do it every day in the fertile window. It’s allowed us to be more creative and communicate more openly about sex.” She also added, “Trying to conceive, struggling to conceive, falling pregnant and then suffering a miscarriage have all affected our sex life over this past year but not in a bad way – it’s just become about a lot more than pleasure. And while there is additional pressure there is also a lot more intimacy.”
There were also a lot of couples who didn’t necessarily have sex all the time but connected physically each day, like Bella (26) and her partner, “We only have sex once a week but we do some form of sexual activity every day – it’s so important for us to connect on that level as often as possible.” Megan (29) was the same,“I try to make sure we don’t forget about sex. If it’s been longer than a week I’ll jump in the shower with him as a surprise.”
But ultimately, no matter what end of the spectrum a couple resided on, it all came down to attitude. It’s like that Henry Ford quote: “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t – you’re right.” The same applies to intimacy and our perception of success and failure; the bench mark for a good sex life is determined by you and your partner alone – not by the research in The Atlantic and definitely not by your friends. I heard from women who were connecting with their partner every night, and I heard from men who confessed that “daily sex” was starting to feel like a chore. In other words, if you’re currently having sex once a week and thinking, Good God that’s a lot of sex, then you’re killing it! But if you’re currently having sex once a week and think, Well at this rate we may as well be brother and sister, then you’re not reaching your own personal bench mark.
The amount of sex anyone should hope to have is the amount that makes both parties feel safe, seen and satisfied. If you’ve got that, you’ve got everything you need (but maybe put away the Netflix tonight, okay?).