Inside The Mind Of A Woman Trying On Swimwear

22.11.16

I originally published this one year ago today, and considering the 2017 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is currently flooding our social media feeds and we’re all expected to carry on like EVERYTHING’S FINE, I thought I would give this article some air one more time.



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Ugh, thank god it’s finally summer. Winter has been hiid.

I am so ready for beaches and swimming and sunbathing and embracing the inner Greek goddess I have always been but never unleashed.

Oh my god I need a new bikini…

deserve a new bikini.

I’ve been busting my ass off at barre and yoga and walking heaps and drinking those green juices that taste like freshly mown grass and I am R E A D Y .

YAY SHOPPING.

I think I’m going to try on one of those cute little string bikinis all the Instagram girls are wearing in Bali with that hashtag #BaliBible.

What does #BaliBible actually mean? Surely it’s not a religious thing.

Surely it’s just a “look at my hot, bronzed body, and beautiful boyfriend, and Balinese getaway that you aren’t on because you’re stuck at work!”

This summer I will be THE #BaliBible. People will search #BaliBible on Instagram and my face will come up. 

I feel like marigold is the colour du jour for swimwear this summer.

It’s probably more suited to people with olive skin and brown hair, but I’m feeling good and ready and my body is a marigold temple.

Oh. Um…

I wonder why swimwear stores use the same lighting as dentists?

JESUS CHRIST.

Wait. Is that what I actually look like?

The lights in this fitting room are so bright I can see my organs.

Maybe they use the same lighting as my dentist because this bikini is DENTAL FLOSS.

That was a great idea starting with the smallest bikini known to mankind Mads.

It is comedic that some women make a living out of modelling these.

Okay maybe I’ll go for the high-waisted bottoms and a cute little triangle top instead.

The bottoms will hide my hips but I won’t be so covered up that people think I’m hiding like a rash or something…

Cool I look like a stuffed sausage (!).

Perfect!

So this is what Kim felt like when she was pregnant with North and Saint.

How on earth do Tash Oakley and Devin Brugman spend every day of their lives in a bikini.

Okay I’m doing a one piece! They’re definitely back in fashion, it’s less sunblock to apply, and more material to cover the situation.

 

Maybe if I just look at the front and don’t turn around? Or face side on?

It is both sad and hysterical that I thought I was overweight when I was 17 and now I would KILL A FAMILY MEMBER to be that size again.

 

Wait. Is this really what I look like…

What is the difference between an hour glass figure and wine glass figure?

If I squint my eyes and tilt my head horizontally it’s actually not that bad.

Nope.

 

Nah. That’s it.

See you next summer.

This year’s been cancelled.